I’m not a big fan of flies. I never ask for their autograph or take selfies with them.
By their mere entrance into your home, they can savage your serenity. They’ve even been known to set a bonfire to your sanity.
They’re downright disgusting. They get into your trash, they swarm to sewage and corpses, they spew on everything, they’re covered in bacteria and germs from the literal crap they like to land on and then they walk their grubby little feet all over your food.
Flies are super gross.
But they’re worse than that. They carry all manner of pathogens and spread them around on their mucky little bodies — more specifically their mucky little legs. They’re germs with legs.
Consequently, they deserve to die.
I’m pretty accomplished with a flyswatter. I’ve swatted my fair share of flies to Boot Hill.
But my lovely, sweet wife is the fly assassin in our household. If she sees a fly, she instantly turns into a cold-blooded killer. Her reflexes are twinkle quick. She has a killer backhand and forehand with a flyswatter.
Indeed, her artistry is the stuff of fable. Grand Ole Opry House in Nashville wanted to put her on retainer as a contract fly killer but she isn’t a big fan of country music.
Sadly, not everybody is as accomplished with a flyswatter. So go electric.
An electric battery-powered flyswatter is a handheld bug zapper that kills flying insects of all kinds. It has a long handle where the batteries are housed. The handle also contains all the electrical components needed to operate the electric grid that kills flies.
Ingenious.
Granted, there are other ways to get rid of the vile creatures.
Use a vinegar and soap trap. Flies are attracted to the fermented smell of apple cider vinegar, and you can use this to your advantage when trying to trap them using home remedies.
Simply pour a cup of vinegar into a shallow, wide-mouth bowl, add a few drops of dish soap and water from the tap until bubbles start to form, cover the bowl with plastic wrap and poke holes in the top and leave the bowl out.
Pesky flies will be attracted to the vinegar but will not crawl out of the bubbles. Isn’t that utterly delightful?
Of course, flypaper is an old go-to method of execution. Flypaper is a long ribbon that hangs from your ceiling and is coated with sticky bait. The flies stick to them like gum to the bottom of your shoe.
Please refrain from hanging the flypaper over your kitchen table. It’s not very appetizing to dine while the flypaper and its dangling corpses dangle over your food.
You can take your fly extinction to a decorative level and kill two birds, er, flies with one stone by getting Venus fly traps. They’re a unique and effective way to remove flies from your home. They’re carnivorous plants that eat flies and can add a lot of charm and style to your houseplants.
You should never force-feed your Venus fly traps or try to open their leaves when they’re eating a fly, which may take a few days. Because of this, you may want to get more than one so they can keep catching flies while others are digesting.
I hate flies, but even I blanch at the cruelty of Venus fly traps. Imagine being eaten alive for days. Not very appealing, huh?
If you’re looking for a more benign approach to terminating flies, use light traps. They use the same principle as flypaper except they feature lights that flies are attracted to. They’re more sanitary than flypaper since the sticky element is mounted inside a flat box.
Flies are notorious for hanging out in garages and waiting to zip into your house when you’re carrying in groceries.
So widen your fly death crusade to the outdoors. Introducing frogs to your yard is an eco-friendly way to control fly populations. Frogs are natural predators of flies and can help keep their numbers in check.
Place a small pond or water feature in your garden to attract frogs. Be sure to create hiding spots with rocks or plants around the water source, giving frogs cover to launch their surprise attacks. Their long, sticky tongues are lethal hunting weapons.
We currently have four of them. I call them the Four Frogs of the Apocalypse and named them Famine, Pestilence, Destruction and Death. Indeed, they’re adorably cute little froggies.
In rare circumstances, none of the above methods will do the job. Then it’s time to bring out the shotgun and blast those freaking flies to kingdom come.
Please note there is a not-so-slight downside to this approach. You’ll likely blow plenty of holes in your walls and a squadron of flies will quickly fly in. So pack plenty of ammo so you can reload and resume firing.
Mike Zielinski, a resident of Berks County, is a columnist, novelist, playwright and screenwriter.
Source: Berkshire mont