I’m mulling a presidential run. But I’m too young, too unknown, too ethical, too poor, too mentally sharp and too moderate.
Granted, these are significant hurdles. And hurdling can be a challenge for a guy with two total knee replacements and a spine more banged up than a Fiat in a demolition derby.
Fortunately, in the immortal words of Yogi Bear, “I’m smarter than the average bear.”
And it’s not like I don’t have a couple of redeeming qualities for politics. I can be an attention-seeking missile at times. And I did trigger a few teachers’ facial tics back in the day.
Still, there are those shortcomings. But I have a blueprint (or red print for my conservative readers) to overcome them.
I’m 74, just a kid compared to Biden and Trump. No problem. With the current presidential field so crowded an army of Republican pretenders have been kissing cows in Iowa for weeks, I’ll wait for the 2028 election cycle.
Too young? Solved!
I’ll address the unknown and ethical problems by committing a boatload of crimes and collecting indictments like I used to collect baseball cards. Then cry political persecution because of a witch hunt. My name recognition will skyrocket like my blood pressure after too much cough medicine.
Too unknown and ethical? Solved!
I’m hardly a millionaire. I don’t smoke imported cigars, employ a personal chauffeur who once won the Indy 500, have caviar for breakfast, own a yacht or have diamond-stud ear piercings. So I’ll put one of my adult sons on several foreign boards that pay him millions, which he can funnel to me while I dummy up.
Too poor? Solved!
I’m not having cognitive issues. I can remember what dressing I had on my salad, how many guys the Phillies left on base (which usually is close to infinity) each game and where my wife sleeps. So no danger of me winding up in bed with Margot Robbie. To rectify this issue, I’ll let heavyweight champ Tyson Fury use my head for a punching bag.
Too mentally sharp? Solved!
Being a moderate is a death sentence for a politician in contemporary times. To fix my fatal flaw, I’m labeling myself a lib/con. I’ll be loony left in blue states and ridiculously right in red states. In purple states all my soundbites will be lyrics from Prince’s “Purple Rain.”
Too moderate? Solved!
With our country constantly in peril, when the detonator reads 00:03, whom would you rather snip the bomb wires than me?
I’m confident I won’t be 243 feet over my head as president. But just in case I’m bringing along a snorkel to the White House.
Mike Zielinski, a resident of Berks County, is a columnist, novelist, playwright and screenwriter.
Source: Berkshire mont