Many years ago, this column documented the Game Commission’s failed pursuit of a new hybrid game animal, namely the creation of a genetically altered antlered squirrel, a notion that sounded genuinely absurd back in the day. But today, whispers that the agency is at it again compelled this reporter to go straight to the source with three simple questions: Why here? Why now? And Why bother?
I would find Dr. B.S. Moreau, the agency’s chief genetic engineering specialist more than happy to comply.
“The question of ‘why here’ is an easy one,” said Moreau. “Pennsylvania is the only state in the union that maintains a Game Commission. Every other state has a combined fish and game commission or an agency combined with their department of natural resources. The relative independence and autonomy of your Game Commission allows us to indulge in cutting edge research like this one.
“As to ‘why now,’ it’s partly because of the ‘embarrassment of riches’ the agency has enjoyed through leasing drilling rights to the rich deposits of Marcellus shale that lie beneath many of our state game lands and state forests. That money has allowed us to afford the application of Artificial Intelligence to the process. AI did not come cheap, but it’s been the key to our success.”
Thanks in great part to AI, Commission scientists have finally succeeded in integrating the DNA of the state’s most popular game animal, the whitetail deer, with the state’s most under harvested small game animal, the gray squirrel.
The resulting hybrid creature has been unapologetically dubbed the ‘squeer,’ (a blending of the words squirrel and deer to create a term that skirts the far reaches of political correctness). This designer genes game animal is slated to be released onto state game lands and forests next fall.
In answering the question “why bother,” Moreau explained that the folks at his agency are forward looking and realize that for the Game Commission to survive they have to keep both hunters and the general public engaged. Dr. Moreau, who headed up the project, believes that the introduction of the squeer into the Keystone State’s ecosystem solves a number of problems for the Game Commission.
“Squirrels are the state’s most underutilized small game animal,” notes Moreau, “and many hunters believe that deer numbers in our most rural counties have been decimated. Another problem is the advance of the spread of Chronic Wasting Disease (CWD) which threatens the future of our deer herd.
“Since hunters value trophy bucks more than any other game animal, our biologists concluded that any antlered game would also be targeted by hunters with equal zeal. By combining whitetail deer DNA with that of the gray squirrel, we have managed to create a hybrid squirrel, the squeer, if you will, in which the males, already called bucks by the way, are genetically able to grow and shed antlers just like the whitetail deer.”
Moreau was making what originally sounded like an absurd proposition seem as rational as basic arithmetic. Or as Polonius says in Shakespeare’s ‘Hamlet,’ “Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.”
Apparently, the agency’s brain trust is convinced that squeers will find immediate popularity with the state’s trophy hunters, especially once they qualify for the Boone and Crockett record books. Consequently, the agency hopes the introduction of the squeer into Penn’s Woods will provide immediate benefits.
It will stimulate renewed interest in hunting by disillusioned deer hunters while the expected spike in hunting license sales will help fill the Commission’s fiscal coffers. There’s even talk of selling a special Squeer Stamp for an additional $10 added to the standard hunting license fee.
The notion of antlered squirrels, Moreau believes, is no more far-fetched than the cloning of sheep and other animals (possibly eventually including the extinct wooly mammoth) that has been taking place for years now. At the same time, Moreau vehemently dismisses any comparisons of his beloved squeer to the legendary Wyoming jackalope.
“The jackalope is a mythological creature created by attaching antelope horns to the head of a jackrabbit for sale to gullible or perverse tourists,” he notes with disgust. “In the real world, jackalopes do not exist. Squeers, on the other hand, are at this very moment breeding prolifically in our agency laboratories.
“They are the very real result of a genetic breakthrough. Jackalopes are a product of mythology. Squeers are a product of AI and the scientific manipulation of DNA.” In any case, after a few disastrous hybrid iterations, the agency’s team of DNA scientists believes they have finally gotten it right.
“Some of the buck squeers in our laboratory have produced racks as wide as six inches across with as many as a dozen points,” acknowledges Moreau with unbridled pride. “Many of the female or doe squeers have been bred with our alpha buck — a leviathan squeer as big as a badger with a huge trophy rack. We’ve named him Hartford and he’s sired many litters of little laboratory squeers.
“When we introduce them into the wild, we believe it is quite possible that our genetically engineered squeers will breed with normal gray squirrels. Those offspring would then carry some of the same genes and it’s quite possible that their male offspring would also sprout antlers, albeit stunted ones, probably spikes, at least at first.”
Somewhat reluctantly, Moreau admits that there remain some squeerious problems that still need to be ironed out. Despite their impressive (although miniature) deer antlers, squeers maintain the same genetic disposition as the gray squirrel and are therefore still inclined to frolic in the treetops.
“The squeer experiment has not been without its setbacks,” confesses Moreau. “Some of our trophy bucks were unable to adjust when jumping from limb to limb or attempting to enter dens where the diameter of the opening was smaller than the spread of their antlers. Consequently, even in a controlled environment, a number of our trophy squeers have plummeted to their untimely deaths when their antlers got in the way. Others have been badly injured and are now in rehab, something we call the Winehouse effect.”
Despite these setbacks, Moreau sees a bright future where hunters will soon pursue trophy squeers with rifle, shotgun, crossbow, and black powder. However, he cautions, one major obstacle still remains.
“Unfortunately, the squeer’s metabolism is much more accelerated than that of a whitetail deer,” explains Moreau. “The bucks grow and shed their antlers pretty much at warp speed in the spring. A growth spurt that occurs in just a matter of days and which results in a very narrow window of hunting opportunity. Therefore, as with spring gobbler, we anticipate that squeer season will be held in the spring, but it will be extremely brief.
“In fact, squeer season will take place on the one day each year when squeer antlers reach their maximum growth, and that day is, without exception, April 1st,” Moreau said. “Only a fool would think of hunting squeers on any other day.”
**** MENTORED YOUTH FISHING DAY. It’s safe to say that thousands of youngsters statewide enjoyed sunny skies, gorgeous 80-degree weather, and plenty of cooperative trout when Pennsylvania’s Mentored Youth Fishing Day took place last Saturday from 8 a.m. until 7:30 p.m. I spent some time streamside that day and observed many successful and happy young fishermen, most of them mentored by proud parents. The day was a precursor to Pennsylvania’s opening day for trout season April 5. Hope to see you by the stream that day.
**** Tom Tatum is the outdoors columnist for the MediaNews Group. You can reach him at tatumt2@yahoo.com.
Source: Berkshire mont