Every husband in the world should now worship Tom Brady as a deity. Put him on a celestial pedestal, climb a spiraling stairway and sprinkle him with incense.
And this has nothing to do with Brady being the greatest quarterback of all time – a seven-time Super Bowl champion who keeps giving Father Time the finger.
March 13, 2022 transformed the dynamics of marriage. And I’m not dipping my desktop in hyperbole as I write this.
Since Adam and Eve, one thing defined all relationships: Happy Wife, Happy Life.
You don’t have to be a philosopher or psychiatrist to know that a wife wallowing in unhappiness can make her husband’s life a harrowing hell. Cross your wife and be prepared to be crucified. A man with an angry wife lives in a hornet’s nest instead of a home. A wife colder than congealed grease.
Then Tom Brady came out of his 40-day retirement on March 13 and the marital dynamics were suddenly turned upside down forever. I’m sure you felt the globe wobble. The mantra of the Brady household suddenly became Happy Husband, Happy Life.
Gentlemen, your mandate is clear. Adopt the Tom Brady blueprint and you’ll savor eternal bliss here on earth.
The man is a god because he pulled this off while being married to a goddess. A wealthy goddess in superstar model Gisele Bündchen.
When Brady called an audible on his retirement plans, you just knew that he had won the war of wills with Gisele, who has wanted him to retire for years. Indeed, there are many who believe that the only reason he retired briefly was because Gisele was threatening to rearrange his handsome face with a jackhammer if he didn’t.
She has said she worries about the long-term effects of the cumulative hits Brady has absorbed over 22 NFL seasons. Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, more commonly referred to as CTE, causes brain degeneration from head trauma. It has afflicted many former football players, leading to decimated memories and lives and even suicide.
What could be sadder than an aging Tom Brady thinking he was Greg Brady?
If such a fate were to befall Gisele’s husband someday, his fans won’t be there to be his caregiver. She will. That is a terrible burden to put on any spouse.
From Brady’s perspective, he threw for a career-high 5,316 yards and led the league in touchdown passes with 43 last season at age 42. He’s as good as he ever was. So why step away?
Gisele has been publicly supportive of his return — couching it as ultimately a family decision — but reportedly unhappy he couldn’t be happy with retirement.
My hunch is that Brady was so miserable for those 40 days of retirement that he was a colossal pain in the butt and Gisele simply caved.
I speculate that Brady soon grew bored and irritated with domestic duties. Perhaps he never could unwrap the mystery of folding fitted sheets or separating whites from colors when doing the wash. Just a hunch, but I’m sure he hardly was as dialed into cleaning bathrooms as he was dissecting defenses.
Plus there’s little acclaim for running the dishwasher. A far cry from a packed stadium and national television where he can display his passing skills like plumage.
I’m sure Brady enjoyed spending more time with his three children during his brief retirement. But being kids, I’m sure they didn’t hang onto his every word. Unlike his receivers who chase after his every pass like a starving wolf tracking a pork chop.
When he retired, he suddenly was sequestered in the mundane. There was no juice to squeeze, no jolts of electricity in his veins. A celebrity of his magnitude must have felt as if the door to the outside world had been bolt-locked.
Instead of throwing spirals, life as he knew it was spiraling down the drain.
A mere mortal would have put up with that sea change in status and kept his dissatisfaction mostly to himself so not to hiss off his wife. But not a god like Brady. And let’s be honest. Gisele, with her looks and bank account, is hardly your drab-as-dishwasher wife. Granted, Brady is hardly your cookie-cutter blob of a husband.
In the end, it was a battle of egos. And for once, the husband prevailed. Las Vegas wouldn’t give you odds on that.
I hope husbands everywhere print out this column or clip it from the newspaper and paste it on your refrigerator for your wife to see.
The new mantra: Happy Husband, Happy Life.
Thank you, Tom Brady. You’re the G.O.A.T. – hands down.
Mike Zielinski, a resident of Berks County, is a columnist, novelist, playwright and screenwriter.
Source: Berkshire mont