Running off at the typewriter …
Tom Brady Retirement Announcement, Take II.
Not that I’m complaining about having to write about Brady’s retirement for a second time.
If anybody is great enough to deserve two retirement announcements and the requisite genuflecting tributes, it’s Tommy Terrific.
For the sake of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and their fans, I honestly hope this retirement announcement ends up like the last one when Brady changed his mind a month later and decided to return for one more season with the Bucs.
But I’m afraid this time he really means it. Exactly one year after his original retirement announcement, Brady adamantly said on Wednesday morning that his decision is final. In a one-minute video he posted, Brady said to his millions of social media followers: “Good morning, guys. I’ll get to the point right away. I’m retiring. For good.”
Translation: Welcome back to irrelevancy, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
You can now go back to your customary spot as one of the worst franchises in the NFL.
Don’t kid yourself, the Bucs have been miserable for most of their existence and they will now be miserable again. In their 46 years of existence, they’ve had just 15 winning seasons and an overall record of 310-453-1. Before Brady arrived three seasons ago, the Bucs had gone 12 years without making the playoffs and had nine losing seasons during that span.
When he signed with Tampa Bay, I wrote, “Tom Brady playing for the Bucs is like hanging the Mona Lisa on the bathroom wall in Room 217 of the Red Roof Inn.”
I actually thought Brady was making a huge mistake when he signed with Tampa Bay, but instead he turned that Red Roof Inn into the Ritz-Carlton. He gave the moribund franchise instant credibility, delivered a Super Bowl championship in his first season and took the Bucs to the playoffs three times in three years.
Although the brunt of Brady’s legacy will be tied to the six Super Bowls he won with Bill Belichick in New England, I maintain his biggest singular accomplishment was signing with the Bucs before the pandemic-plagued 2020 season, acclimating himself to a new team, learning a new offense (without the benefit of minicamps, preseason games and a COVID-shortened training camp) and taking the bumbling Bucs to a Super Bowl championship in one season.
As I wrote the last time Brady retired a year ago: “Before the G.O.A.T. (Greatest Of All Time) put himself out to pasture, Brady did something only a real, live GOAT could do: He wove his magical wool and dressed up the traditionally tattered and threadbare Tampa Bay Buccaneers in a championship coat of cashmere.”
Now, sadly, that championship coat of cashmere is gone and the Buccaneers are once again dressed in a dirty T-shirt and faded blue jeans.
Room 217 of the Red Roof Inn is looking dingy and drab once again.
The Mona Lisa is gone and has been replaced by Dogs Playing Poker.
Tom Brady’s arrival turned the Tampa Bay Buccaneers into one of the league’s marquee franchises, but his departure turns them into the third-best team in Florida. …
Short stuff: This column is only going to be half as long as it normally is. I’m load-managing today. … I saw where the U.S. Surgeon General is saying 13 is too young for children to be on social media platforms. Judging by my Twitter feed, there are 45-year-old men who are too young to be on social media platforms. … Remember when National Signing Day on the first Wednesday in February was as wild and fun as St. Patty’s Day? Now it’s as bland and boring as Arbor Day. … Our condolences to DeMeco Ryans for being named the new coach of the Houston Texans. … Speaking of NFL coaching hires, can Sean Payton make Russell Wilson great again and resurrect the once-pround Denver Broncos? I don’t think so. In fact, I love this headline at TheOnion.com on the Broncos being bought last year by Rob Walton, the son of Walmart founder Sam Walton: “Walmart destroys another local business.” …
Bally Sports — the regional sports network that televises Orlando Magic games — is flirting with bankruptcy. If the network goes belly-up, it doesn’t necessarily mean Magic games won’t be televised locally, but it does mean the team would lose a significant eight-figure revenue stream. Then again, NBA teams spend eight figures on backup centers who rarely play anymore (see Mo Bamba). … Before the Kansas City Chiefs beat his hometown Bengals in last weekend’s AFC Championship Game, Cincinnati mayor Aftab Pureval posted a trash-talking video in which he said Joe Burrow needed to take a paternity test to confirm that he is Patrick Mahomes’ daddy. After Mahomes rallied the Chiefs to a victory in the final seconds, Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce couldn’t resist firing back, “I’ve got some wise words for that Cincinnati mayor: ‘Know your role and shut your mouth, you jabroni!’ ” Great quote by Kelce, but not as great as this one by Tom Blair: “Politicians are like diapers. They both need to be changed often. And for the same reason.” …
Hey, it’s Groundhog Day, and you know what that means? Punxsutawney Phil just popped his head out of his hole at the Advent Health Training Center, saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of Jonathan Isaac being on the injury list. … Did you see where Georgia quarterback Stetson Bennett was arrested for public intoxication at 6 a.m. Sunday when Dallas police responded to reports of a man banging on doors at an apartment complex? Bennett must have been so drunk that he thought he was still back in Athens, Ga., where he would have never been arrested for such boorish behavior; he would have been given a police escort back home. … I was never a huge fan of the Pro Bowl, but now it’s been replaced this weekend by the Pro Bowl Games, which consist of dodgeball, flag football and the water balloon toss. Talk about going from bad to worse. This is like watching a rerun of The Jerry Springer Show and then turning to a rerun of Hee Haw. …
Last word: “At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.” — former Georgia Southern coach Erk Russell
Email me at email@example.com. Hit me up on Twitter @BianchiWrites and listen to my Open Mike radio show every weekday from 6 to 9:30 a.m. on FM 96.9, AM 740 and HD 101.1-2
Source: Berkshire mont
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